How to make a 💣ass Sangria from scratch.  

Step 1: Have a vision. Peyote might help here, but I recommend just runcorking some exotic concoction. Imagine a perfect harmony of flavors, so delicious that you can’t help but cry at the thought or otherwise explode in joyous ecstasy. Be bold and ambitious. Just not so bold as to incorporate meat and/or cheeses. That’s just gross. Like a peanut butter and ham sandwich.  

Step 2: Gather your ingredients. You will require: Wine, some variety of soda, tasty liquors with complimentary flavors, fresh fruit, a knife, cutting board and the pitcher you shoved way back on the shelf because you hardly ever use it. Be careful when extracting the pitcher, as you may by accident fall into the refrigerator…literally open the door and fall inside. I didn’t even realize that was possible until about 2 minutes ago. 

I will be making a spiced pear white sangria tonight and it will be glorious. 

Step 3: Test the booze to make sure it works. 

If you can’t tell, try it again. If you know immediately that it’s legit, reward yourself with a shot for a job well done. 

Step 4: Wash your gross ass hands & chop the fresh fruit. Then transfer to the pitcher. 
Step 5: With firestorm resolve, open the wine and do not pour yourself a glass. Instead, pour the entire bottle (still not into your glass… keep reading!) over the fruit (into the pitcher, you see!). In case of emergency, pour yourself a side glass from another bottle…

(Mmmmmmm. Butternuttttt on ya face.)

Step 6: Add the soda. Or don’t add the soda. F$#k it. You da boss. You can add it right before serving if you want, so it has some fizz… or you can be lazy and add it now. I choose later this time. So really it’s not step 6 at all, nor is it Stephen 6 like my autocorrect insists. This step sucks.

Step 7: Add the booze to taste. I’ve got some vanilla vodka and Jack fire for this one… but do whatever. Go crazy. A few shots of each should kick it up real nice. 

Step 8: Stop. REFRIGERATE.

Step 9: Soak over night.

Step 10: Add the fizzy pop & serve with a garnish. Cinnamon sticks for this bad boy. Penis straws work well for Bachelorette parties or family functions. 

Stop bringing fruitcake to parties. Stop bringing veggie platters (you’re kidding yourself). Start bringing snazzed up, jazzed up, stacked up, sangria.




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