Am I a Runner or Have I Just Been Drinking too Much?

 

20170208_070024Lately, I’ve been exhibiting some strange behavior and experiencing fleeting moments of disorientation that have me begging the question:

Am I a Runner or Have I Just Been Drinking too Much?

You’re probably thinking, “Well damn it Stack, if you can’t tell the difference, you must be drunk. And therefore, you have been drinking too much. The answer is obvious.”

If only it were that simple…

The indications of either state overlap in such a way that if I plugged them into the all-knowing WebMD symptom checker, both would come up as possible conditions, along with IBS, menopause and quite probably a lazy eye.

Symptoms:

  • Physically I feel a little beat up, yet oddly invincible… Like a unicorn that got in a fight with a grizzly bear and won because magic rainbows.
  • I’ve been regularly confusing the time of day on digital clocks for my current pace, even though I’m not running.
  • Every outfit I wear suddenly needs to be a clothes/purse hybrid. I’ve become obsessed with pockets and their ability to store reserves comfortably and all ninjaishlike.
  • I ate an entire bag of chips in a single sitting without even noticing.
  • #somanydisgustingselfiesessions #myhashtagshave#s
  • I have plans almost every weekend. Definitely count me out for anything on Saturday mornings. And I usually end up needing to recover until late afternoon.
  • I’ve become impervious to the elements and as impermeable as your grandfather’s black rubber galoshes.  I’m outside in the rain, snow, single digits… in shorts in Jan/Feb… in the dark with the creatures of the night…
  • I’ve been using the phrase “recovery run” as if it makes sense.
  • I get super dehydrated and then commence a long & bladder-aching quest for hydration in a cyclical pattern.
  • And I’ve been extremely pale since birth. When in doubt, add it to the list, ya know?

920x920

(I mean c’mon. I look like a citizen of Pleasantville.)

So you see then. It’s impossible to say for sure what’s going on with me and the wildly contradictory evidence of purple teeth and thighs “like what, what, what” isn’t helping bring the truth to light.

So I will do what any other self-respecting, runcorked maniac would do in this situation. Pour myself a glass of wine, plan my route for tomorrow’s long run and thank god I’m not a basic bitch.

Welcome to the weekend,

J.Stack

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One thought on “Am I a Runner or Have I Just Been Drinking too Much?

  1. HA! I’m a little late in reading this, but I seriously laughed out loud. I mean this… So I will do what any other self-respecting, runcorked maniac would do in this situation. Pour myself a glass of wine, plan my route for tomorrow’s long run and thank god I’m not a basic bitch

    HAHAHA.

    Have a great weekend.

    Like

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